Reflections on Our Loss...

I never understood the term "good death" until yesterday. Just as Peggy lived an amazing life, she died and amazing death. Friends, family, and caregivers were in and out of the house all day...We all took turns at her bedside, holding her hand, talking with her, laughing, telling stories. She was very comfortable and very sedated from the morphine and though she couldn't communicate, we could feel her calm presence and sense her peace.

HCA nurses Cory and Cathy were with us all day, managing the morphine and monitoring Peggy. They were so wonderful and comforting. Clarence and Diane from Hospice were also around throughout the day. Also wonderful and comforting. Dr. Davis was also on hand to tend to Peggy and support the family. It was a slow weaning process, just as Peggy had requested. As we neared the evening hours, we could feel Peg beginning to slip away. We gathered around her bed, we sang, we laughed, we cried, we said our goodbyes...and then in true Peggy fashion, she hung on for 2 more hours! That's our Peggy!

Peggy passed away at 9:35pm, surrounded by her loved ones. There was sorrow in the house, but there was just as much laughter and joy...it was just what Peggy would want, just what she taught us. There was also relief...to see Peggy set free from those tubes and paralyzed body...and onto yet another Peggy Chun adventure.

I am siting here writing this from Peggy's room. I came over as soon as I could get up and get the kids over here. I have the kids out of school today so that they could spend some time over here with everyone and process the loss of their Puna. My parents had Indy and Sawyer last night at our home. It was nice to know that they were happy at home eating well and going to bed at a normal time. I told Indy this morning about Peggy. She was sad and then she was OK. The simple grief of a child. So pure and so beautiful.

Eric is doing as well as can be expected. He stayed here last night...there was some late night processing and decompressing (a.k.a. drinking) that went on here after I left. It was Camille, Jason, Leslie, Karen, Shelly, Marvel, Lisa, Recky...not sure if I'm forgetting anyone...I wish I could have stayed and hung out...sounds like I missed out on a lot of fun and bonding! Let's just say that the penguin suits and electric wheelchair saw some action on Alika Avenue. I'm sorry I missed it all, but at least I'm not hungover and recovering from any "Penguin Follies"!

So here I am in Peggy's room. We put a large portrait of her on her bed, surrounded with flowers and lei. It feels the same as always and yet different. The grief comes in waves - the ebb and flow of Peggy's presence - she's here, then she's not, she's here, then she's not...

I am comforted by the sound of the kids in the living room, Elroy going through the trash, Karen puttering around the gallery, the phone ringing...life is still going despite the void that Peggy leaves behind. I used to fear the loss and the change that Peggy's death would bring, but I know I know that though we have lost Peggy, we have not lost ourselves, our identity, or our purpose. We are still a family, still an ohana, still Peg's Legs...we did not die with Peggy, but rather Peggy lives on within us.